It wasn’t Keylaia’s fault. She’d just been running down the beach in her red tankini when it happened. She ran right into someone, and fell, hitting her head on a sizable rock.
That was her first mistake.
She felt like she was about to fall unconscious, but fought the blackness beginning to pour into her mind, trying hard to ignore the fierce pain that throbbed at the back of her head. (She sensed an odd, itchy coldness on her hand, but it soon dispersed…)
"Uhm, sorry.” She mumbled, “The sun’s in my eyes.” She squinted over at the person who was standing up slowly, and started. He was smiling, his dark blue eyes twinkling in the bright sun.
“Quite a’right, I wasn’t looking where I was going either.” Keylaia noticed he had a slight Australian accent. Blushing, she pulled herself up, watching as he brushed off his black-and-white trunks and shook his head, tousled brown-and-blonde streaked hair sending sand in all directions.
“I’m Keylaia. It’s, uh, nice to meet you…” Keyli (as she liked to be called) hoped her deep blush would leave soon as she offered him her hand; it was just making her more embarrassed. Okay, admittedly, she thought he was hot. Even if she was only fifteen, Keyli liked to think she had a pretty good taste in guys.
“Well, Keylaia, nice to meet you, even if the means were quite odd.”
He laughed easily, a smile filling his handsome features. “I’m Jecton, but most just call me Jec.” He took her hand, shaking it emphatically. Keyli guessed he was about nineteen or twenty, but she realized it didn’t matter. She’d never see him again.
“Well, I have to go. I’m sort of watching my little sis. ‘Bye!” She ran off down the beach, trying hard to look cool, although she doubted she looked anything but silly and obviously embarrassed.
“A’right then, g’bye, Keylaia!” he stumbled over her name, and she rolled her eyes. He had pronounced it Kee-lay-ay, as did most of the people she met. It was properly pronounced, (as far as she knew) Kah-lay-ya. Luckily, most people just called her Keyli, which was quite easy to pronounce. Shaking her head to rid herself of these random thoughts, she heard her mother call her name.
“Keyli, time to go!”
Aww, already? They’d only been there about an hour. She glanced at her hands to make sure they didn’t need to be rinsed off before they left, and jumped. On her right hand, in clear, green ink, a seven digit number lay, glittering in the sun. She realized it was the one she’d used to shake Jecton’s hand. Feeling odd, she ran up the beach, and jumped into the car, not paying attention to anything but her right hand. Was it Jec’s number, or had one of her sisters written seven random numbers on her palm when they were bored? It seemed like an odd coincidence, but for the moment she brushed away any thoughts of calling the number to check it. It was probably for the best if it washed away, especially since her mother would be very disturbed if she thought her oldest daughter was calling a guy she’d (literally) run into at the beach on their vacation. Keyli sighed. She’d liked Jec.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah, this was just a random thingamabobber.
I'm writing an actual story, it's called 'Ancient Lies' right now it's in Action/Adventure, but someone might move it. Maybe not, though. xD Please read it, and review!
-Sela
Ah
Fair enough lol.
V
Inky
Ooh, here's the thing, Ink. (Can I call you that?)
See, he actually only has a slight Aussie accent, but I missed that when I edited. But I still fixed it up a bit. I'll put it on tomorrow.
-Sela
Thanks!
Yes, I'll look it over. ^^
Hey
First off, the font you have used is hard to read. Don't let the reader strain their eyes.
Secondly, I just want to point out a few things.
Fair enough
Sorry..but Aussies don't talk like that. At all. That's more English...the whole 'Ah, yes, quite' thing.
And Aussies certainly don't say 'good bye' like that.
Get us Aussies straight
You have put the parentheses in before we know what you are talking about
Skipping downa bit...
Jumped? You have already used this a few times and don't you think you could find something a little more descriptive?
Work on it a bit
And never give up
Peace V
Hello and welcome to YWS.
First off, should this be in Romantic Fiction? I may be presuming that this will turn into a romance, but otherwise it's fine where you have posted it.
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with the font you have used but it is much harder to read and crit as replying to it makes it go a bit....funny. Perhaps just use the default font in the future.
Don't feel like you have to put your description in brackets - weave it into the rest of the sentence.
Again, try to incorporate this with the rest of your writing instead of in brackets.
A bit of an odd way of introducing this to the reader. Perhaps try to get this information known to the reader through dialog or some other means rather than brackets.
Overall, there were hardly any noticeable mistakes to this piece (which is great) but you need to put in a bit more description and use a few more literary techniques. As a reader we want to be told everything about the scene and the characters, but in an interesting way. What time of year is it? What does the mother look/sound like? Etc.
Keep it up and pm me if you want me to critique anymore that you post.
Alainna
xxxx
Hiya, Sela. I thought I'd be prompt for once in my life and dash over to the literary forums with uncharacteristic speed. Admittedly, I'm just a wee bit out of shape when it comes to critting - haven't been writing for an inexcusable amount of time now - so you'll have to forgive any nonsensical metaphors that are meant to be helpful and only end up being indecipherable. ^_^ Nor does it help that I'm writing this up at midnight. Way past my bedtime. So if the review randomly dissolves into mis-matched letters and punctuation marks, you'll know that I somehow fell asleep on the keyboard. That aside - on with the crit!
...:Characterization:...
Hiya, Sela. I thought I'd be prompt for once in my life and dash over to the literary forums with uncharacteristic speed. Admittedly, I'm just a wee bit out of shape when it comes to critting - haven't been writing for an inexcusable amount of time now - so you'll have to forgive any nonsensical metaphors that are meant to be helpful and only end up being indecipherable. ^_^ Nor does it help that I'm writing this up at midnight. Way past my bedtime. So if the review randomly dissolves into mis-matched letters and punctuation marks, you'll know that I somehow fell asleep on the keyboard. That aside - on with the crit!
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